Brake Up Survival Tips

  So for all of you out there that are unlucky in love or heartbroken I’m going to give you some top tips to help you get back on track. Over the years I have tried and failed with several …

Instincts Maternal?

I read an interesting article this week that said of a survey of 75 women 7 out of 10 of them said they had no maternal instinct or any desire to have a child. I found these figures quite shocking and reassuring. As a little girl it was always seen as a given to both myself and everyone else, I always assumed I’d get married, have a nice house and a few kids knocking around, I’d be the perfect wife and mother. My house would be tastefully decorated, everything in it’s place clean and tidy just like my mum had made sure our house was, my family would be a happy one, lots of cuddles for the children and lots of support and laughter. It all looked so perfect at aged 9 but now in my mid thirties things are very different.
I’m single, I live in a rented flat where most of the furniture and decor is not mine, I struggle to keep my house clean and tidy, it is ok but not really to mums standard and to be honest I find it hard to motivate myself to clean but as my flat is so small I do it with a heavy heart. I, like one of the 7 in the article have found myself lacking in the maternal pangs that I once had and as I get older they are getting fainter and fainter. It’s not my glittering career that stands in the way because I don’t have one, I’m not worried about missing out on amazing, luxurious holidays because it’s been three years since I last went aboard, I’m hardly worrying about the state of my home (see above) so what is it that stops me running to the nearest sperm bank in order to for fill the desire that should be inbuilt in me to nurture a child of my own?
The funny thing is I’m not a woman who is adverse to children, I like other people’s children, their great and I have the pleasure of being the ‘fun’ one who doesn’t end up being the mean one who disciplines them or makes them go to bed when they don’t want to. In fact I recently became an Auntie for the first time, only weeks ago, and I have to say from the moment I saw that little baby I was and have been totally in love ever since. I’m looking forward to spoiling him, taking him out on day trips, I miss him when I haven’t seen him for a few days and I adore just cuddling him and staring at him. In short I’m besotted and cannot quiet believe how utterly crazy I am about a little baby who pretty much sleeps and cries most of the time I’m with him, I’d die for that baby so surely I can’t be completely without any maternal feelings?
In my twenties all I focused on was finding ‘the one’ the love of my life so I could spend my thirties making the life I thought I wanted. As I get older the thought of even living with someone let alone being responsible for not only keeping someone who is helpless alive but installing all the morals and skills they will need to be a reasonable human being quite frankly terrifies me to my core. The one thing that surprised me about the survey was that the number of women who obviously feel the same way as me was so high, because I feel like an outcast! Whenever I have mentioned my feelings about relationships and children people think I’m joking or they look at me with a look of pity because I’m obviously bitter or too badly hurt to think I could have this amazing dream that all women want.
I don’t know who these women are but I’d like to join the party, I’d love to spend time in the company of women where I don’t feel like I should get giddy at the thought of getting married and having children. I’d like to be able to speak my mind without someone saying ‘you’ll feel differently when you meet the right person’. I’m in my thirties, the fairy tales have disappeared and I’m no longer kidding myself that’s what I want out of life. I’m not a horrible person but I’d be a terrible mother and while I admire anyone who manages to hold it all together I know I wouldn’t be able to, it’s not self-pity but a realisation of my limitations and my own desires, not those of the majority.

Update

So I haven’t been on here for a while, partly because I’ve been too busy!

A lot has changed since I last posted on here, so back to where I left you. The dreaded ex turned up we didn’t speak in fact the only time I saw him and he saw me he hung his head and walked away with his hands in his pockets. So he should – hang his head in shame. We didn’t speak, we still haven’t spoken. On the plus side, I looked far better than he did – a win for me I think.

The biggest thing is that have moved. I have finally got out of that little town and the job I hated and away from that man who reminded me of what a massive mistake it was to ever be involved with him. I’m free. I’ free of everything that brought me down.

I’ve moved to a city and I’ve got a job I really like it’s very strange. I’ve been so angry and miserable for so long I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Dare I say it?? Oh go on then – I’m happy, actually happy. I’m not going to lie, it’s hard to leave my friends, the people who have helped me through the hard times, have been my rock when I couldn’t face the world but the beauty of it is they have already come to visit and it means more. They have spent the time and the money to come to see me and of course I will go home to see them.

So what of my new life? Well I’m getting there its not easy forging a new life in a new city but not impossible, people do it all the time.  Everyday I’m grateful, grateful that I’m walking into an office I like being in doing a job I feel appreciated in and I don’t have that sick feeling that I used to get and HIS name does not appear in my life. I can finally move on.

So I’m back online – yes again! I have to say I thought I’d have more luck in a different city – a different gene pool but I’m not although I did have a date the other night. I don’t help myself though really I got horrendously drunk! I didn’t mean to but wine on an empty stomach is never good. Surprisingly he isn’t so keen to see me again, before we met we were texting and talking every day, I haven’t heard from him today and yesterday he only replied to my texts and I’m sure he was only being polite. Ah well one thing I have learnt is not to chase. Blimey I have learnt something!

So maybe I’ll pick up the writing again and if you’re interested you can follow my new adventures, my happier adventures I hope. X

Online

I have gone on line again, taken up the internet dating thing, I have tried this before and it’s not really worked for me but I have been going out more and I have not been meeting anyone so I think this might be the only way. The thing is it used to be such a last resort but now I think it’s the only way. I know there are lots of people who are looking for a one nighter, maybe they are married or in a serious relationship but I also think that maybe I have been too cautious in the past.

So I updated my profile and re-posted as looking for a relationship rather than dating but I still have strict rules. I will not respond to anyone who writes either a message or their profile in ‘text’ I do not think its gr8t and I do not want to meet u. If you cannot write properly I’m just do think you’re for me, I mean for God’s sake there is spell check and grammar check it’s easy enough! I will not respond to anyone whose profile consists of Hi if you want to know about me just message me. If you can’t be bothered to write anything about yourself you can’t possibly be serious. I don’t reply to any messages sent in the middle of the night, the sender is probably drunk, I don’t reply to anyone whose message is ‘wow your beautiful, wanna chat?’.

Maybe I’m fussy but I’d rather be fussy than put myself in a position I don’t want to be in. There is one more thing that puts me off although I don’t want it to, it’s that line – my life is my wonderful children. I think it’s fantastic that they love their children and it’s not that but the thoughts that go through my head are, is there any room for me? And do I want to take on someone else’s children? I don’t want to feel like this, it’s a selfish thought and maybe if I met someone and liked them I would be happy to take that role.

Anyway I’ve been on for about a week now and I had a date on Wednesday, well this nearly put me off again, for a start his picture was probably about 15 years old! He turned up in a hoody and he basically didn’t interest me at all. The date didn’t last long. So this would normally put me off but I got home and went straight back on the site, I’d got a message from a guy who’s profile was the best I think I’ve ever seen. It was long but from it he seemed to give a good idea of what he is like, what he currently does and what he wants from the future, he seems to be genuine and we seem to have a lot in common. Hopefully I will meet him soon and who knows maybe it might work?

I’m not expecting miracles but I know so many people who have married someone they have met online and I’m not meeting anyone by going out so I’m going to stick at it. Fingers crossed, holding my breath I’m jumping in.

All change please!

I haven’t written in a few weeks, because I really have not had much to say, I’ve been feeling quiet low in myself and didn’t want to depress you all. Anyway I have decided a few things – first thing is dealing with the impending return of the ex, the one who broke my heart into a million pieces. I have put a few pounds on recently, mainly because of an illness I didn’t realise, I was very skinny as a child, teenager and up to about 25. I could eat anything and I didn’t put a pound on I didn’t count calories, exercise or weigh myself so as I’ve got older and stared to put weight on I have struggled with the concept I have never wanted to be a food obsessive but now the time has come.

I have 3 weeks to look fabulous, just to show him what he lost, I have a dress it may be a little shorter than I usually wear but it’s cute and not tarty but that means I have to lose a little tummy and make sure my butt and my legs are looking worthy. I don’t know if I can do it in 3 weeks but I can try. I have started working out which is hard for me and quite frankly hurts but what I have discovered is that since I’ve started – granted it’s only been a week but my appetite has shrunk and I crave healthy food. Maybe this could be a break through; I only hope it has the desired effect.

The second thing is that I have decided that I really need to get out of this town. I know I have said this before and even further back before ever saying it on here it has been flying through my head at random intervals for years, but I really, really, really want to actually do it. I feel like I’m suffocating so I’ve started applying for jobs, anywhere, although they jobs may be a little out of my league if I actually land one the only reason for not taking it and leaving would be stupidity.

So for the next few weeks I’m focussing on change, it may be a long road and by the end of it I might be very hungry but lets just see what happens. I hope one day I’m writing about a big move but I guess for now I need to be patient.

Ups and Downs?

So they say that life is full of ups and downs, I’m waiting for my up in fact I’ve been waiting for 2 years. I messed up the interview I had, totally messed it up, the questions were irrelevant in my opinion and nothing like I’d prepared for, one of the questions was even asking what qualifications were needed to do my clients job. How the hell would I know? I don’t do that job. The questions were so focused on not only my current job (which is nothing like the job I’d applied for) but she kept asking the same questions even after I’d fully answered it 3 times before.

I really don’t know what I did in a previous life to deserve all this bad luck, I try to live my life ethically, I put others before myself and I get nothing but crap all the time. I’m in a job I hate, I can’t seem to find anyone even vaguely interested in me and I’m skint! When am I going to catch a break? It seems I’m walking round those corners into huge brick walls.

I’m not happy because I’ve been so positive lately, I thought things would finally go my way but now it’s all crashing around me and to top it off the dreaded ex is coming to our office party in June! Seriously why? Why does he not just crawl back under the rock he crawled out from? I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to even breath the same air as him after everything he put me through. I’m so sick of the nasty people always landing on their feet and the nice genuine people just get kicked in the stomach.

I’m sorry I am ranting this week but really when’s it going to end? I realise my problems are trivial compared to others, my brother is going through hell at the moment and I know there are people in terrible situations and I empathise I really do, those people probably don’t deserve it either. They say life is what you make of it but are people just destined to fail no matter how hard they try?

Now you see it, Now you don’t

So this is just the way it goes I’ve just come around to the idea of forgoing the butterflies, I thought I’d give it a chance, see if they develop as I get to know him and guess what? He’s disappeared. Gone. Last weekend he said he was ill, I text him mid week to see if he was ok and he replied with chit chat but not asking to see me again. This seems to be a common theme in my life I just about get my head around the idea of something and then the opportunity has slipped away from me.

I wouldn’t mind so much but his friend even spent about half an hour trying to sell his good points to me last week, telling me what a nice guy he is and how we would be good together. Ah well I suppose you win some and loose some. I’m not devastated but slightly annoyed.

I have the same philosophy with most things, people may say I’m negative but I just try not to get too excited about things so I don’t get disappointed. I applied for a job a few weeks ago and just as I started to think my application had been lost forever I got a call asking me for an interview. I couldn’t believe it, the job is amazing – life changing and I really would like it but because I want it so much I’m bound not to get it. I have been trying to get a new job on and off for seven years, I’m sure when I signed the contract for my job I signed my soul over to the devil!  I feel like I’ve been through so much it must be my turn for a bit of luck?

I’m prepping for this interview like I’m cramming for an exam, there are aspects of the job I can storm but there is a lot I fall down on – for example actual experience in the job I’ve applied for. I know the theory but in this market will they want to take a gamble on someone who hasn’t got any proof they can do the job? I have also been thinking about how I would feel if I actually got the job, I have been dreaming of handing my notice in, telling them I’ve got an amazing new job but now when I actually think about it I feel terrified.

Why is it the things you want the most become the scariest thing possible, is it the fear of losing it? If you don’t have it, it’s easier to wish for it and at least if you’re dreaming of it you can never mess it up.

Butterflies

Over the years I’ve been looking for the butterflies, the nervous feeling that flutters when you see someone you like, someone you’ve been waiting to see. That quickening of your heart rate when you hear their voice, the lust that floods you, a confirmation that your attracted to someone. I have on occasion found this only for it to be ripped away and left my heart broken, so I’ve been thinking, is it really all worth it? Sure it’s exciting, it makes you feel alive when you walk around with a grin on your face you just can’t hide no matter how hard you try but when it comes crashing down around you the hurt and pain tare it all away what is the point?

I have met someone, he’s nice, we get along well, we have a good amount of shared interests and a good amount of different interests. He’s intelligent and funny, he has a good job and I’ve enjoyed the time we’ve spent together so far. The only problem is that there are no butterflies, he’s not unattractive and has glowing references from the people who know him. I can’t help feel that there should be something, I’m looking forward to seeing him again but I’m just not excited like I think I should be.

The plus side of this is that I know these things take time. I do not believe in love at first sight, I don’t believe you can love someone you do not know and I do believe that feelings grow and become stronger the more you get to know someone, so are the butterflies important? I asked a friend of mine who said she had never had the butterflies for anyone she’s had a long term relationship with and I have to confess it makes it easier to play the game of chase and that is for him to chase me and not the other way round.

I think I’ve had enough ‘excitement’ as far as men go, maybe I might do better with someone who I get on with and can have an intelligent conversation with. The one thing that I will say is it doesn’t scare me, the thought of having a relationship with him, I’ve wanted to run and hide after the other dates I’ve had with other guys but not this one so maybe that’s all the confirmation I need.

Standing in the Shadows

So it’s true what they say, you don’t know what you’ve lost till it’s gone. Maybe I think I’m in some kind of movie, it will all turn out ok in the end. I try not to, I try to live my life without the happy ending, the never knowing whats out there but then something happens and stops me in my tracks. There is nothing more like a stop sign than when someone you think you might have a chance with tells you they are seeing someone, and that someone is not you.

It’s a bit like a kick into reality, all that time you spent thinking that you were showing them what a great person you are and in reality they weren’t paying any attention. You took a step back because they were getting over someone, you lingered in the background being a supportive friend, hoping when the day they came when they started looking for a relationship you’re just sitting right there. You laughed at their jokes, flirted with them, you thought they were flirting back but no it was just practise for them until they met someone they wanted to take it further with. You went to the bar that you hate because you knew they’d be there but they’re eyes were elsewhere. You left them alone hoping they would see what they were missing but instead they found someone else.

You can flip this around maybe there are people who look at you and wonder when you are going to notice them. The sneaky glances you don’t catch, the smile that you don’t notice, the person who’s sweet and kind and such a good ‘friend’ may be that person is just trying to become more than just a friend. So when you say there is no one out there what your actually saying is there is no one who attractive to you and is attracted to you so it could be just as much you as the rest of the population.

If all else fails here’s some tips – change your style, go out and try clothes that you would normally shy away from, change your hair, I don’t mean just a trim I mean a complete transformation. Doing these things will make you feel more confident and confidence is always attractive. I did both of these things, I got out of my jeans and put on a dress, I went to the hair dressers and went from almost waist length dark brown hair to just above the shoulder auburn hair, I went out and I got a date with someone who I may not have looked at twice a few months ago but who knows where it may take me, if nothing else I think it might be time for a bit of a fling.

My Life in Your Hands

My it’s been a busy week – following my last post I decided to stop writing about wanting to do something about my life and do it! I applied for a job, the thing is a lot has changed in the world of recruitment these days, it seems like all jobs are advertised by recruitment consultants. I have NEVER got a job through a recruitment consultant – EVER! It seems like all they do is say how amazing you are and how you are so perfect for the role that has just landed on their desk, not the one you have applied for. They talk the talk make you think that you will get the job because they will personally recommend you only for them to disappear the minute you actually sign up for them.

I’m sure people do get jobs through recruitment consultants – they must do, they have to earn enough commission for their nice salaries and swanky offices but I rarely hear of anyone who has. The thing is because I’m trying to change the direction of my ‘career’ I need someone to champion my personality and character because my CV just doesn’t get this across.

I’m sure if you have followed my blog you might realise that trust is a touchy subject for me but I have to put my trust in a perfect stranger that is essentially a hard sales person, lets face it they don’t care if I get a job through them all they care about is the position is filled by one of their candidates who ever they might be. The frustrating thing is I’m trying to walk round the corner to see what’s there but there is a barricade I’m desperately trying to jump but I’m relying on a leg up and hoping they don’t drop me on my arse. I have worked so hard to get to this point, the point of looking to the future after a time where everything was so bleak it’s now so hard to leave my future in someone else’s hands.

 

It seems in the world we live in we need a middle man who makes money from us to change a job or change our relationship status. We seem to have to advertise ourselves in order to progress in our careers and love, recruitment consultants/dating sites it’s all the same – online and impersonal.  Sometime I feel I need a sign around my neck – Single and Bored! Life changing offers welcome!