When you begin a relationship everything is amazing, everything flows, nothing is a problem. The relationship grows, you fall in love, you can’t imagine your life without them, they are everything. When the cracks begin to show you cling on, you fight for the love you have, you try to make it work because you love them. When the relationship fails it breaks you, you cry, beg, you crumble inside, you don’t know how you will go on, what is your life without them the great love, their touch, their smile, the look of love in their eyes.
Does this sound familiar to you? So why when the pain has gone, when the wounds have healed, when you can once again live your life without pain do you sit back and think ‘my god what was I thinking?’. All of a sudden you can’t believe what you saw in them, you cringe at the during break up emotions you displayed, you can’t believe you spent so much time after the break up wishing they had changed their minds, hoping they will come crawling back. You have gone from not knowing how you will get through the day without them to dating other people and thanking you’re lucky stars you are no longer in that relationship.
I have lost years grieving over lost love only to recover and can’t believe how I felt and why it has taken me so long to come out of the other side. Maybe I have underlying issues, in fact I think I probably do but I wonder how many other people are like me? How many people find it hard to let go, to get over the rejection of someone you did nothing but love, care and prioritise? I am going to assume I am not alone in this and ask the question why do we spend so much time and effort pursuing someone who no longer loves us the way we thought they did.
I recently saw a photo of my ex boyfriend with his new girlfriend, the man I had spent over a year desperate to make things right with, I saw him and I didn’t recognise him. He did not look like the man I was in love with, he looked like someone else, and someone I didn’t know. I felt nothing, no pounding heart, no tears in my eyes, nothing and it shocked me because when I hear his voice (I have to speak to him regularly at work) I still get nervous and sometimes my heart is beating so loudly he must be able to hear it!
The thing is I have realise I have built up this dream in my head, the man I loved, the man I thought I knew, the man I want him to be but he is not that man anymore. You see it was not his physical appearance I was initially attracted to (I had known him for 5 years before we started a relationship) but to see him look so much different (he has doubled in his size and looked at least 8 years older than he is) has made me see him in a different way, as if he was a different person and the person who hurt me so much and I loved so much may as well not exist and the man he is now is just someone I work with like anyone else. If only I had come to this realisation earlier, before I lost my pride and dignity (texting whilst drunk, being overly nice, being absolutely horrible etc), maybe we could have remained friends and I could wish him well in his relationship.
Since seeing his photo I have felt a weight has been lifted off me I feel free and I think it shows. Now when I have to speak to him I see that photo and feel nothing and can talk to him like I used to, he has started speaking to me properly too (since we broke up I have been lucky to get more than a grunt from him). When I go out now people have commented that there is something different about me, more relaxed, maybe my taxi light has finally turned on and I have more energy to have fun because I’m not spending my energy trying to second guess him and waiting for him to realise he’s lost the best thing that has ever happened to him! Now I only wish I had know this or seen this before now and saved my energy for something important instead of putting him on a pedestal that he didn’t deserve.
wherehavetheyallgone 
This says so much – thanks for sharing.
This is actually something that rips me apart. Having the foresight to see this before it happens, that what is at the moment so important – that we are so important to someone else – will fade to memories. Perhaps neutral memories, not the blooming happy swinging to raw hurt. The sharp emotions that will fade in the distance. It’s part of our coping mechanisms, and is good in some ways. Bittersweet, I guess.
I agree it is bitter-sweet, it’s so sad that someone who was once the centre of your world fades away. It is a coping mechanism we have in order to survive but although the emotions fade I don’t believe the feelings go away, they are just put in a box and buried.
This rocked me to my core, because I have felt exactly like this. I was in a relationship for 4 years and it was suddenly over. We went through all of the stages you talked about and now it is truly over. I cannot wait until I feel this way about my ex. I can’t wait until I can look at him and not feel a lump start to grow in my stomach. I’m proud of you and look forward to the strength you have now.
It’s not easy and sometimes my stomach flips over but I have to hold on to how much he hurt me and how things have changed so much since I last saw him. All I can say is it takes time and you have to reach a point where you want to let go of the feelings before you can work on letting go which can be difficult because once you let go it’s gone. You have to remember that when the relationship ended one of you did let go so clinging on only hurts yourself.
Yes I have had to get through that I have started letting him go. It’s nice not hurting anymore and feeling more whole.