The Big V Day

So yes that day of the year is on its way, it’s yet another date in the calendar that makes all single people feel more alone than ever, but why? I’m curious to know why people have allowed themselves to feel that one particular day is the only day you have to prove you are in love. Where did it come from and is it really something single people need to feel bad about?

I wanted to get to the bottom of it so I had a look round for a non commercialised description of St. Valentine and I found this on http://www.catholiconline.comOther depictions of St. Valentine’s arrests tell that he secretly married couples so husbands wouldn’t have to go to war. Another variation of the legend of St. Valentine says he refused to sacrifice to pagan gods, was imprisoned and while imprisoned he healed the jailer’s blind daughter. On the day of his execution, he left the girl a note signed, “Your Valentine.” So does this figure really have the credentials to cause so much heartache?

It seems to me that this saint would have quite frankly been appalled at the commercialism surrounding him, because let’s face it the shops are the only ones who benefit. I believe the only people who feel they are missing out are actually only missing out on the nightmare that is Valentine’s Day and here’s why. If you are in a couple on Valentine’s Day it is a nightmare, guy’s (as always) have it easy, flowers, chocolates and a nice meal, that’s your remit no matter what diamonds the advertisers tell you you must buy, really you don’t have to all you have to do is remember! For girls it’s more difficult, what do you buy for a guy? Maybe you could cook a nice meal for him and probably something to do with sex? I’ve never been very good with presents for boys.

The stress one day can cause is ridiculous, I remember one of my ex’s was rubbish and after a few years I pretty much demanded that he took me out to dinner, the fact that I had to do that tainted it in the first place then he bargained with me (yes you heard right people, Valentine’s day came with a condition!). As his birthday was the week before he said if I took him out for dinner on his birthday he would take me out to dinner for Valentine’s Day, something else that took the fun out of it. When we arrived at the restaurant the tables were pushed so close together I was sitting closer to the stranger sat next to me than my boyfriend, it actually felt like I was speed dating! Needless to say this wasn’t the romantic evening I was expecting and I’m pretty sure I haven’t been alone in my Valentines disappointment. So why do we bother?

In my opinion it doesn’t matter if you are in a relationship or single, Valentine’s day is just designed to make you feel bad because it doesn’t really matter if you do something or not you either end up feeling lonely, unloved or guilty and the only people who actually benefit from it is all the retailers who cash in on it. I might sound bitter but honestly not all my Valentine’s have been bad, when I was at high school every year for three years I received a rose from the same boy, it was really embarrassing at the time and just another reason for people to tease me but deep down I found it quiet sweet.

So whatever happens to you on V day don’t feel bad, it’s all hyped up rubbish designed for retailers to flog tacky rubbish at twice the price and restaurants to bump up the price of food and squeeze as many people as possible into the space they have. If you’re single just thank God you don’t have to worry about ending up in a blazing row!

 

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Tinder #1

So as I have previously said I have turned to Tinder. I have dabbled in various internet dating sites both free and ones I’ve paid for and have yet to find one that’s found me ‘The One’ or any one come to think of it. I’ve turned to Tinder initially because it’s easy to use, no long profile statements that you have to rack your brains trying to come up with something interesting to say about yourself, no check-lists you have to complete on who you ideal partner is, it’s just simple. I have had a few chats with people but I have just got home from my first Tinder date so I thought I’d tell you all about it.

I’ve been chatting to this guy for a few days and we seemed to get on really well, we swapped phone numbers and chatted a lot. We arranged a date and I have to admit I was quiet excited about it. I have finally managed to sort myself out and I’m in a good place, a good enough place to meet someone. I have spent years listening to people saying how you have to be in the right frame of mind to meet someone; no one will love you if you don’t love yourself etc etc so here I am – in the right place. For the first time in years I’m really happy with life so I am now ready to meet Mr Right, surely the planets will align and surely this will be amazing?

We chatted about all sorts of things, he is funny, successful, cute, has the same interests as I do so I was looking forward to meeting him. I was slightly late so he had already got a drink when I got to the bar, he approached me to introduce himself and tell me where he was sitting, he didn’t offer to buy me a drink but that’s OK. We sat down and it was like we had never spoken, maybe I was a disappointment to him but if I’m honest his personality did not match the guy who I’d been talking to, maybe it was nerves? After about half an hour I realised that he wasn’t looking very interested in what I was saying, maybe I’m not very interesting? After another hour I realised he had barely lifted a smile, this was not my dream date but at least I managed to fake a few laughs and a couple of smiles at him he clearly wasn’t that into it. After another half an hour we had both finished our drinks, we were sitting with empty glasses, he didn’t offer to go to the bar and if I’m honest I didn’t think I could bear another hour. When we left there was the awkward what to do now? I’m sure he was as unimpressed with the date as I was but now we are stood on the street so a kiss on the cheek and I did a Chandler Bing ‘Thanks it’s been great to meet you, speak soon’ and he has messaged me since I’ve got home.

I’m not sure why I’m making excuses for myself, I’m not a dull person especially with the right people, and he is a nice person but not for me. Here’s what put me off –

Didn’t offer to buy me a drink – now I’m no gold digger but surely chivalry can’t be that dead? It wasn’t dinner, only a drink, I was not drinking champagne.

Didn’t engage me – he wasn’t only talking about himself but he didn’t seem to want to know much about me.

Fatal mistake – he talked about why he was looking for someone and his reasons were – someone to cook dinner for him and someone to look after the dog. Excuse me but I don’t live in the 1950s!

Actually the more I think about it, I did nothing wrong and good luck to him I hope he finds someone that can help him out with his domestic needs, or he hires a maid! Onto the next………..

Instincts Maternal?

I read an interesting article this week that said of a survey of 75 women 7 out of 10 of them said they had no maternal instinct or any desire to have a child. I found these figures quite shocking and reassuring. As a little girl it was always seen as a given to both myself and everyone else, I always assumed I’d get married, have a nice house and a few kids knocking around, I’d be the perfect wife and mother. My house would be tastefully decorated, everything in it’s place clean and tidy just like my mum had made sure our house was, my family would be a happy one, lots of cuddles for the children and lots of support and laughter. It all looked so perfect at aged 9 but now in my mid thirties things are very different.
I’m single, I live in a rented flat where most of the furniture and decor is not mine, I struggle to keep my house clean and tidy, it is ok but not really to mums standard and to be honest I find it hard to motivate myself to clean but as my flat is so small I do it with a heavy heart. I, like one of the 7 in the article have found myself lacking in the maternal pangs that I once had and as I get older they are getting fainter and fainter. It’s not my glittering career that stands in the way because I don’t have one, I’m not worried about missing out on amazing, luxurious holidays because it’s been three years since I last went aboard, I’m hardly worrying about the state of my home (see above) so what is it that stops me running to the nearest sperm bank in order to for fill the desire that should be inbuilt in me to nurture a child of my own?
The funny thing is I’m not a woman who is adverse to children, I like other people’s children, their great and I have the pleasure of being the ‘fun’ one who doesn’t end up being the mean one who disciplines them or makes them go to bed when they don’t want to. In fact I recently became an Auntie for the first time, only weeks ago, and I have to say from the moment I saw that little baby I was and have been totally in love ever since. I’m looking forward to spoiling him, taking him out on day trips, I miss him when I haven’t seen him for a few days and I adore just cuddling him and staring at him. In short I’m besotted and cannot quiet believe how utterly crazy I am about a little baby who pretty much sleeps and cries most of the time I’m with him, I’d die for that baby so surely I can’t be completely without any maternal feelings?
In my twenties all I focused on was finding ‘the one’ the love of my life so I could spend my thirties making the life I thought I wanted. As I get older the thought of even living with someone let alone being responsible for not only keeping someone who is helpless alive but installing all the morals and skills they will need to be a reasonable human being quite frankly terrifies me to my core. The one thing that surprised me about the survey was that the number of women who obviously feel the same way as me was so high, because I feel like an outcast! Whenever I have mentioned my feelings about relationships and children people think I’m joking or they look at me with a look of pity because I’m obviously bitter or too badly hurt to think I could have this amazing dream that all women want.
I don’t know who these women are but I’d like to join the party, I’d love to spend time in the company of women where I don’t feel like I should get giddy at the thought of getting married and having children. I’d like to be able to speak my mind without someone saying ‘you’ll feel differently when you meet the right person’. I’m in my thirties, the fairy tales have disappeared and I’m no longer kidding myself that’s what I want out of life. I’m not a horrible person but I’d be a terrible mother and while I admire anyone who manages to hold it all together I know I wouldn’t be able to, it’s not self-pity but a realisation of my limitations and my own desires, not those of the majority.

Profile Peaking

So I’ve gone back online. I thought I’d give it another whirl whilst I’m in a new place, maybe I might be more successful.

I met a guy, he seemed nice, we messaged and spoke on the phone then met for a drink. First date went we out for a drink, it went well although I got very drunk, I didn’t mean to but a few glasses of red on an empty stomach meant I ended up far more tipsy than I had planned. I thought it might count against me as daily messages stopped, I thought I’d never hear from him again but I wasn’t bothered, yes he was nice but he hardly set my soul on fire.

 

Almost a week later I get a text and he asked to meet again, well it had been a while since I dated someone so I thought ‘why not’ he was ok and fairly normal. So we went out again and again had a good time, he seemed nice and we got on well but again no fireworks. Thing is the fireworks I’ve had in the past have exploded in my face so maybe fireworks are overrated.

We messaged on and off but it was two weeks later when we met again due to both of us having busy schedules. He made a point of asking me out to dinner this weekend, even mentioned a day but by the time that day came I’d heard nothing from him – nothing at all. I still haven’t heard anything from him two days later so I went back onto the website. I went back on to see who else was around, I’ve made a promise to myself not to get walked all over again and I’m going to stick to it.
Browsing through the profiles whose should come up? Ahh yes the guy I had been dating with ‘online today’ at the side. I have to confess I was a bit angry, always though the once a week on a Sunday was a bit strange, his schedule is obviously busy with other dates but I was on there myself so pot, kettle and black prevented me from holding onto it. Maybe that’s just the thing; does online dating give you the opportunity to date as many people as you like? We were hardly in a relationship, so what are the rules? Are there any rules? How do you know you are not one of many? When do you have the right to get angry about someone looking at other profiles?

Maybe there is a term for it? I know the point of online dating is a little bit like shopping for a partner, maybe this is just the equivalent of trading in because it doesn’t fit quiet right. It would be nice to find someone though, feel the butterflies in my tummy, have that desperation to see them and know that it’s right.

Update

So I haven’t been on here for a while, partly because I’ve been too busy!

A lot has changed since I last posted on here, so back to where I left you. The dreaded ex turned up we didn’t speak in fact the only time I saw him and he saw me he hung his head and walked away with his hands in his pockets. So he should – hang his head in shame. We didn’t speak, we still haven’t spoken. On the plus side, I looked far better than he did – a win for me I think.

The biggest thing is that have moved. I have finally got out of that little town and the job I hated and away from that man who reminded me of what a massive mistake it was to ever be involved with him. I’m free. I’ free of everything that brought me down.

I’ve moved to a city and I’ve got a job I really like it’s very strange. I’ve been so angry and miserable for so long I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Dare I say it?? Oh go on then – I’m happy, actually happy. I’m not going to lie, it’s hard to leave my friends, the people who have helped me through the hard times, have been my rock when I couldn’t face the world but the beauty of it is they have already come to visit and it means more. They have spent the time and the money to come to see me and of course I will go home to see them.

So what of my new life? Well I’m getting there its not easy forging a new life in a new city but not impossible, people do it all the time.  Everyday I’m grateful, grateful that I’m walking into an office I like being in doing a job I feel appreciated in and I don’t have that sick feeling that I used to get and HIS name does not appear in my life. I can finally move on.

So I’m back online – yes again! I have to say I thought I’d have more luck in a different city – a different gene pool but I’m not although I did have a date the other night. I don’t help myself though really I got horrendously drunk! I didn’t mean to but wine on an empty stomach is never good. Surprisingly he isn’t so keen to see me again, before we met we were texting and talking every day, I haven’t heard from him today and yesterday he only replied to my texts and I’m sure he was only being polite. Ah well one thing I have learnt is not to chase. Blimey I have learnt something!

So maybe I’ll pick up the writing again and if you’re interested you can follow my new adventures, my happier adventures I hope. X