Ups and Downs?

So they say that life is full of ups and downs, I’m waiting for my up in fact I’ve been waiting for 2 years. I messed up the interview I had, totally messed it up, the questions were irrelevant in my opinion and nothing like I’d prepared for, one of the questions was even asking what qualifications were needed to do my clients job. How the hell would I know? I don’t do that job. The questions were so focused on not only my current job (which is nothing like the job I’d applied for) but she kept asking the same questions even after I’d fully answered it 3 times before.

I really don’t know what I did in a previous life to deserve all this bad luck, I try to live my life ethically, I put others before myself and I get nothing but crap all the time. I’m in a job I hate, I can’t seem to find anyone even vaguely interested in me and I’m skint! When am I going to catch a break? It seems I’m walking round those corners into huge brick walls.

I’m not happy because I’ve been so positive lately, I thought things would finally go my way but now it’s all crashing around me and to top it off the dreaded ex is coming to our office party in June! Seriously why? Why does he not just crawl back under the rock he crawled out from? I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to even breath the same air as him after everything he put me through. I’m so sick of the nasty people always landing on their feet and the nice genuine people just get kicked in the stomach.

I’m sorry I am ranting this week but really when’s it going to end? I realise my problems are trivial compared to others, my brother is going through hell at the moment and I know there are people in terrible situations and I empathise I really do, those people probably don’t deserve it either. They say life is what you make of it but are people just destined to fail no matter how hard they try?

My Life in Your Hands

My it’s been a busy week – following my last post I decided to stop writing about wanting to do something about my life and do it! I applied for a job, the thing is a lot has changed in the world of recruitment these days, it seems like all jobs are advertised by recruitment consultants. I have NEVER got a job through a recruitment consultant – EVER! It seems like all they do is say how amazing you are and how you are so perfect for the role that has just landed on their desk, not the one you have applied for. They talk the talk make you think that you will get the job because they will personally recommend you only for them to disappear the minute you actually sign up for them.

I’m sure people do get jobs through recruitment consultants – they must do, they have to earn enough commission for their nice salaries and swanky offices but I rarely hear of anyone who has. The thing is because I’m trying to change the direction of my ‘career’ I need someone to champion my personality and character because my CV just doesn’t get this across.

I’m sure if you have followed my blog you might realise that trust is a touchy subject for me but I have to put my trust in a perfect stranger that is essentially a hard sales person, lets face it they don’t care if I get a job through them all they care about is the position is filled by one of their candidates who ever they might be. The frustrating thing is I’m trying to walk round the corner to see what’s there but there is a barricade I’m desperately trying to jump but I’m relying on a leg up and hoping they don’t drop me on my arse. I have worked so hard to get to this point, the point of looking to the future after a time where everything was so bleak it’s now so hard to leave my future in someone else’s hands.

 

It seems in the world we live in we need a middle man who makes money from us to change a job or change our relationship status. We seem to have to advertise ourselves in order to progress in our careers and love, recruitment consultants/dating sites it’s all the same – online and impersonal.  Sometime I feel I need a sign around my neck – Single and Bored! Life changing offers welcome!

Move along please!

The one phrase that annoys me more than anything is when people tell me to ‘move on’ I actually don’t know what people want me to do when they say that to me. It’s funny that it is only mentioned when I talk about my last boyfriend, nobody tells me to move on when I talk about my ex fiancé or any other of my ex boyfriends but if I dare to mention my last boyfriend(who I work with by the way) those dreaded words are uttered.

It has got me thinking what the words mean, to me you have moved on if you have accepted the break up and are living your life again. How can you do this without mentioning the said ex boyfriend/girlfriend? Surely it would be stranger never to mention their name again? When you have a relationship with someone you create memories, you do things, go places together, if a relevant experience has come up in conversation am I to not mention it or substitute a name because if I utter his name I have not ‘moved on’?

I am not the sort of person that jumps from one relationship to the next, I can go for years without  being in a relationship, this does not mean I am not over the last one, I just haven’t found the next one. When a relationship ends it hurts and you need time for the wounds to heal but why do you have to prove to everyone else that you’re ok? Some people stay friends with ex’s does that mean that they haven’t ‘moved on’? In my experience you will always harbour feelings for a past boyfriend or girlfriend but this does not mean you want them back, you shared a time of your life together you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about looking back at the good times fondly.

So what do people want to see when they want you to move on? Do you date anyone you can just to show you’re over the last relationship? Do you never speak of them again? How long does it take to truly get over someone you loved? If you had a friend whose wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend died would people be telling them to move on? No, there would be patience and understanding and support but when you break up with someone the first thing people want you to do is find someone else.

In my opinion love isn’t as clean cut as that, yes try not to wallow in self pity and hide away from the world but sometimes talking about it and working through it is healthy and helps the healing process. The last thing anyone needs is to be pressured into feeling that they cannot mention any memories, good times or bad times just because someone else doesn’t want to listen. Memories are precious and should be cherished and you have to remember in order to learn from your experiences. You can get over break ups in your own time, you can’t work to someone else’s timetable, it can take weeks, months, years but you will get there and when you can smile and mean it in my book you have ‘moved on’.

Must be talking to an Angel?

I have thought about this for many years and yes I do believe in angels, I’m not convinced they are superior beings with wings but I defiantly think they exists. Have you ever had your life go out of control? Have you ever been lost? Have you ever had people come into your life at these times and disappear when you are ok? These are your angels, real human beings, no halos, no wings but amazing presence.

There have been times of my life when I have met people who without realising it have been a huge influence on my life, they have picked me up when I have been low, boosted my confidence when I have needed it but they have not realised what they did for me. Life moves in strange patterns of emotions, there are times when you need guidance and help to get through them and that’s when your angels appear. They don’t disappear to hurt you but just because you simply no longer need them, sometimes they re appear years later and sometimes you never see them again. They don’t have to be good friends, sometimes only a fleeting conversation is sufficient, sometimes they are friends you have lost touch with and they come back into your life but they are sent from somewhere I’m sure of it.

I have learnt over the years you are responsible for your own happiness, no one can make you happy, it comes from within but sometimes you just need a nudge in the right direction. I met a couple when I was working in a bar about 7 years ago, at the time I was feeling a bit lost, I had had two break ups in six months, I was living with my mum and I wasn’t happy at work. They didn’t do anything, we chatted during my shifts gave me good advice from their stories and experiences but more than anything they boosted my confidence, I’m still not sure how but they did. I left the bar and didn’t see them again until 18 months ago after my heart was broken and I was staying with a friend because I didn’t have a permanent address, I took a job in different bar and there they were, every Saturday and again they boosted my confidence (again I’m still not sure how), they talked to me, I listened to them and although we are not great friends (I no longer work there and don’t see them anymore) I am aware that they have appeared in my life when I have needed them the most.

I’m not saying it’s fate, the jury is still out on the ‘everything happens for a reason’ theory not everyone you meet is good for you and sometimes you are the angel, you are the one to help someone else and you don’t have to be intelligent, philosophical or amazing maybe you will never know what you did or what you said that made the difference. An angel does not put your life right but gives you the courage to put your own life back on a positive path. So next time you connect with someone and then they fade out of your life don’t feel bad, don’t be angry even if cross words are said be happy in the knowledge that there is a chance you were their angel or they were yours and than a life has changed for the better.